I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
