I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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