I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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