My hand turned me down
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
