paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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