I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
