girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
