you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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