I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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