I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This is classic penis vs brain.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
