Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
