we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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