quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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