Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
