Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
