I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
