Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
