If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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