I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.