I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO