don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
