I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
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Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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