You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy