Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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