I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
