what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
