just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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