i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
