party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
