We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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