when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
