I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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