i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
