she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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