I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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