i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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