you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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