Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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