APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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