A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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