Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
