look no pants
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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