Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize