I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
