I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
