Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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