Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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