You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
