I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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