Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
