i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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