Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
