You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
