She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
