have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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