also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
