I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The adults are the big ones right?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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