It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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