Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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