pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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