Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
